too afraid to stumble, so I refused to jump.
today's "flourish friday" is all about coming face to face with the imposter within and jumping anyway
*cover photo by Aaron Cook on Unsplash*
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The "flourish friday" series is usually reserved for my paid babes, but it's March 1st, and I'm feeling friendly, so happy flourish friday to all!
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My therapist encouraged me to ask whose voice I'm hearing when certain things, like my imposter syndrome, strike. The thing is, the voice mainly sounds like my own until I silence the noise around me. And then, it becomes pretty clear that the voice is my dad. He's been dead all these years, and I still can't wiggle my way loose from this underlying desire to prove him wrong while also making him proud. I'm stuck between knowing the power in my gifts and being too afraid to make a step forward. So here I stand, stuck, trying to use an old, weathered map to reach a destination it doesn't even account for.
I listened to the recent episode of The Black Girl Bravado Podcast on imposter syndrome at the park yesterday, and it's wild how deeply I resonated with just about everything they said. I was lowkey embarrassed by how much their conversation struck a cord, pointing to an apparent deficiency—-my lack of self-belief, birthed from years of feeling like I could not and most certainly should not shine out of concern about being too much. Imposter syndrome is nothing new to me, and I can't pinpoint the exact moment I learned not to trust my talents, but it's a lesson that's stuck. And every day is an invitation to unlearn this detrimental way of being, should I accept it.
Though the whole conversation was filled with "yep, that sounds like me" responses to Germani and Brittany detailing signs of imposter syndrome and the various types ( I think I'm a mix of them all), it was one thing that stuck out most, something I desperately needed to hear.
Inexperience and inability are not synonymous.
—The Black Girl Bravado
I could have sworn I heard a record scratch, the six words packing more punch than I thought possible. If you had asked me five years ago if I struggled with perfection, I would have said, "of course not, perfection isn't attainable." But the truth is, I had yet to realize that perfection wore so many different masks, one of which was choosing not even to do certain things if the outcome wasn't a guaranteed 10 out of 10. When I think of my underlying perfectionism paired with the fear of someone responding to my efforts with an accusatory "Who does she think she is?" I can't help but feel a little deflated. Whether it was his intention or not, my dad had succeeded, and I inherited his voice. The voice that kept me humble and was supposed to keep me from doing too much, but many times has led me to do nothing at all. I was too afraid to stumble, so I refused to jump.
Even though I've been writing my whole life, I had a rude awakening a few years ago when I discovered I struggled to call myself a writer. Part of this was due to the trap of comparison and always seeing someone else's success as my failure. Some of it was trying to find my voice and being wary when people misread what I shared, contorting my words into something better suited for their comprehension. A part of me felt small for "just writing about my life” when there seemed to be more imporant things to explore. But what’s more important than (re) discovering ourselves?
Writing has always come naturally to me. Like breathing. Like how gravity keeps us bound to the ground even if some dream of living in the sky. Even with it being nearly instinctual, I still actively fight imposter syndrome and may always question my writing. Maybe I'll always wonder if I'm good enough. Maybe I'll always wonder if I'm getting it right. Perhaps I'll always wonder if what I'm saying is reaching anyone. Maybe I'll always wonder if those who champion my work are sincere when they lavish me with compliments I try my best not to turn from in disbelief.
One of my goals is to check my stats less often. Seeing the numbers shift back and forth like a violent wave is taxing. I was surprised this morning to see that I'd lost another subscriber. My subscriber count had been on the up and up for a good minute, and then I hit a plateau. I struggle with imposter syndrome; of course, I made this out to be a reflection of my worth and ability. But instead of dwelling on it and feeling defeated, I went through my subscriber list and celebrated each person who has continuously shown up to read my work.
I've lost count of the times I've felt so discouraged with my writing, and at that very moment, I received a boost from someone affirming me as if they'd heard the disparaging thoughts moving through my mind. I thank the heavens for these reminders to redirect my focus and my attention from what I think I'm doing wrong to being proud that I'm doing something at all, even when my doubt would instead stop me in my tracks.
When I think of all the lives I've lived in these 34 years alone, I'm grateful that words still make a temporary home in me before I release them back into the world. I'm glad that though imposter syndrome is present, it doesn't prevail. I'm glad I continue to show up and that others are always somewhere close to cheer me along when I begin to falter. I'm glad that I'm learning to speak to myself in a different tone, a kinder voice that pushes me to persevere instead of berating me for having the gall to believe in myself.
✨This week's Flourish Finds✨
There’s something about steel drums that take me to another place.
"Our curiosities are often mislabeled as distractions.”
-Yara Shahidi
I’ve always been curious, which was quite noticeable, even in childhood. However, it didn’t take many times to see that curiosity isn’t always appreciated and eventually inconveniences the folks around you who have more practical things to be concerned with. I enjoyed this talk from Yara Shahidi, which encourages us to cultivate and celebrate our curious nature.
This year marks ten years since I first traveled abroad (on a cruise with my sorority sisters to the Bahamas). Since then, I’ve visited places worldwide, from Madrid to Accra. Traveling can be fun but can also be a headache if not planned accordingly. I’m always down for anything to make my life easier.
I’m not an excellent note-taker, even regarding important information like travel plans. I discovered the TripIt app in a travel group recently, and if you need a place to help you see exactly what you have planned for travel in one place, it may be worth looking into. For my upcoming trip, inputting my information and mapping how and where I’ll spend my time without constantly checking a handful of websites and emails has been helpful.
I stumbled across the Timeshifter app last year from a random travel influencer. I immediately downloaded it for my upcoming trip to Amsterdam and Spain, where there is a significant time difference from where I live. The free(trial) version allows you to create a plan for one trip, and then it’s $24.99/year for unlimited plans. I’m heading somewhere soon and will most likely grab the paid version because I think it was helpful, minus a few tweaks I would have made to the app. It asks you a few questions to create a plan for you to follow that helps minimize jet lag, which advises you on everything from when to increase your sun exposure to when to have that cup of coffee when to sleep, and more.
I have enjoyed watching Genius: MLK/ X, which follows the lives of the two greats from childhood onward. I know there's always been a desire to put MLK Jr. and Malcolm X against each other, but this takes away from their work. If you're like me and love a good book that breaks down the lives of historical figures, check out King: A Life by Jonathan Eig and Malcolm X: A Life of Reinvention by Manning Marable, two titles I've recommended previously.
a song that just makes you want to get loose.
thinking about the impermanence of life and all that really matters is the joy we’re able to scrape up.
Vulnerability is Generosity by
is a short read that reflects my many current thoughts. Sharing so openly, primarily online, has been something I've become used to over the years through my writing. I've written about some of my life's happiest, saddest, and downright confusing times. More often than not, I feel compelled to get these words out, not to share my trauma or business, but because I've either been able to pull out some type of lesson or I'm actively questioning. My writing is the way I process the best.During our first session, my therapist asked where I'd like to start. Hmm, let's see. I rolled through my mental index of some of the options available to me:
survivor's guilt
daddy issues
mental illness
complex grief
chronic illness
loss
codependency
chronic illness
She must have clocked my indecisiveness and said, "Okay. Share what feels safe." In our months of working together, this is a phrase she has continued to offer occasionally. It's a phrase I've adopted with my writing and how I interact with others in the real world, especially those I'm just meeting. One of the things that's been helpful in addition to this is learning to discern between things that are uncomfortable to share and those that are painful. Believe it or not, there are still some things I'm working through that I just don't feel safe to share, and that's okay. I'm releasing the pressure to feel like I have to share everything just because I'm perceived as a super vulnerable person.
if pictures could talk.
an affirmation.
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Imposter syndrome is super prevalent among academics. Comes from being expected to be an expert on a subject you’re acutely aware you know nothing about. I remember having moments where I would think “am I getting a PhD…or am I just writing random things on Word Docs and pretending that’s a job?” You learn to get comfortable with it — mentally pick up that self doubt, set it aside, and move forward. Gets easier the more you do it. :)
I used to struggle with imposter syndrome as well. I find the affirmation and acceptance I was seeking was my own more than anyone else's and once I was able to hold my own hand, it has slowly gone away. I also use the affirmation "I am not afraid to be seen trying” to silence the part of me that wants certainty prior to any attempt. It is freeing to me to know the world will not come crashing if I do not hit some imaginary standard I’ve set for myself. And in regards to if you’re getting it right - I think showing up is a lot more important. Be well, I am rooting for you.